Family Dinner

The quick answer: Life goes by pretty quick; if you want to pass on the cultural DNA of your family, eat a home-cooked dinner together, and talk to each other.  Another benefit: you’ll all live longer.

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An Apology

In the morning, when you first awake, do you think about your dreams?  You have to do this quickly, before they fade away, but I’m told they offer clues for the coming day.  Today I awoke early, surprising the beautiful wife.  What was on my mind?  It was Saturday and I hadn’t put up my post for the week.  No wonder I couldn’t sleep.  So I apologize.

Remember that great movie about Ferris Bueller taking a day off from school?  How in the end he observes, “Life moves pretty fast; if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  It was a quote that resonated but looking back at my own life, here’s what I might say: “Life moves pretty fast; if you don’t eat dinner with your kids they’ll miss the deeper stuff you have to share.”

So this post is about the family dinner, an institution that’s been fading away in our fast-moving society, much like the dreams of your night’s sleep.  I’m surprised when I poll people how seldom families are actually sitting down and eating a prepared meal.  For all the ill that is done by fast food, processed packaged foods, and such, I think the greater harm is in the failure of families to sit down and eat a home-cooked meal together.

The Ideal Family Dinner

Here are ten criteria of an ideal family dinner for your consideration.  If you were a hidden observer at any family’s dinner, applying these criteria in the brief time of eating meal would be a fair measure of the family.  After your next family dinner, ask the gang to score themselves—A, B, D, D or F—on these 10 criteria.  The most common score is your total score.  Is there room for improvement?

1. Participation: This is the glue that enriches and binds all together.  The success of family dinner increases with the proportion of the family engaged in preparation.  And what better way to teach nutrition and cooking skills?
2. Love at home: the degree of affection and kindness shown between family members is a barometer of family relationships.  The beautiful wife had a rule that the table was a safe place—no blows or digs were allowed. 
3. Conversation:  The family culture, even with children, is revealed by the topics discussed. 
4. Manners:  A good metric of self-control necessary for success in life.  The beautiful wife, when the children were young, used to read a paragraph after dinner from an author remembered as Miss Manners. The children remember those readings today with affection.
5. Laughter:  The more the better in my view but all in good taste.  It's said that laughter is the best sauce.
6. Gratitude:  Count compliments, as opposed to complaints, for those who prepare the meal.  What cook isn't encouraged with praise?
7. Face time:  In the hustle and bustle of life a day can pass without meaningful face time with family members.  Dinner is your best chance for regular face time.  How long do you spend at dinner?
8. Values: In the teaching and sharing of values, we give meaning to life.  But if they're not discussed, they're not given importance by children. 
9. Learning:  Family values and traditions are best taught at mealtime.  Reach beyond Dad lecturing—participation empowers and endows.
10. Healthiness:  Look for a meal of whole foods with plenty of vegetables but sparing of meat—you know that was coning, didn't you?

Single?

I spoke to a single group a while back and discussed the challenges of eating alone.  It's hard to do, but organizing some king of group dining at least a few days of the week has wonderful benefits.

Please Comment:  Please share your best family dinner practices and ideas.  This is a topic where everyone has expertise so please, lots of comments.

Comments

[Dee]

I love these criteria. When my husband works late and I make and feed dinner to twin toddlers, I end up getting a few bites while standing up, if that. When he's home and there's one more set of hands to help, the meal is so much better and we all eat together.
My favorite dinner has always been Sunday dinner, especially when the whole family gets together. A little more care goes into preparation, the conversation and laughs are abundant and the food tastes that much better.

[Beth]

My husband's question is, "What did you do today to be helpful?"
This was not his idea, it came from General Conference several years ago.
When he's gone, we play "Low-high", or in other words "What were the worst/best parts of your day?"
We let each family member pick one dinner per month. It comes in handy to remind them their favorite is coming when they are eating a meal that is "less than favorite". We have a monthly family meeting when they pick what is coming for the following month. They look forward to it and will often say, "Next month I'm going to pick . . . . ."
They especially love birthday month, because they get to pick MORE than one dinner.
We feel strongly about family dinner, too.
Great principles you discussed above, we'll have to score ourselves and see how we do.

[Cindy]

Family dinners truely are the best! Sometimes it is hard though. When my teenagers were around, it was just so hard to sit around the table together. Their schedules were always so busy with sports, clubs, etc.... I have always been grateful that we had family breakfast as well. It was the time that I could control the situation better. We got up for family breakfast whatever time the person leaving earliest in the morning had to leave. We all got up and started our day together. The kids always complained (it seemed), but it was still worth it. Now they all do the same thing as well, so I guess they didn't really mind that much.

[LizA]

I grew up, the oldest of 8 -- seated at a large Conference Room table and stacking chairs every night with my parents and siblings. It never occured to me that other families were different (smaller, perhaps).
We were kid-less for the first 7 years of marriage, and spent a ton of money on a dinning room set that we never used. Once our First Born could manage a few minutes in a high chair, Family Meals began. That First Born is 19 and a college student living at home. We still eat as a family most nights, and I don't look forward to being kid-less any time soon.

I know some are big on serving Family Style, at the table. But for the sake of space and not over eating, we serve buffet style, going back for more as necessary.

[Don]

Great tips! For the ambitious father, it is easy to work late, miss the preparation part, miss the interaction with the wife and kids, or otherwise delay the dinner past the time the rest of the family really needs to eat. With some jobs that is the price for work success. By it may not have to be so. Not everyone has the type of job that allows this, but I have found the principle of "adjust in the mornings" very helpful to family relations, beginning with dinner. Rather than stay late at work, I just got up earlier to arrive home most of the time to play with the kids and help with dinner. I still put in the necessary hours of work but arrived home by 5. Getting up by 5 is not a challenge but just when I wake up naturally now over the years. Early to bed, early to rise is sound advice
For benefits even more than living the dinner principles above.