Winning Support
The quick answer: The ultimate test of mom’s leadership is to overcome the billions spent by Food Inc. to market factory foods and win the family's support for healthy home cooking.
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Managing stress
Eat smarter, look better, live longer—that’s our goal. Learning to eat wisely in a toxic food environment is the challenge, but there’s more to health than diet. Four of the Healthy Changes are about exercise. Others cover the benefits of sunshine (2), fasting, and this week’s topic: stress management. In the coming weeks we talk about the importance of adequate sleep, best friends, and the blessedness of simplicity. Our goal is modest: Discover, with the help of readers, the world’s best health wisdom.
The last post shared ways to get off the stress escalator. Chronic stress is a factor in the chronic diseases. But the worst cut of all is how stress robs you of your beauty (think wrinkles), and contributes to overweight (including compulsive snacking). You can’t overcome stress by running faster—you have to step off the escalator. If you don’t do something different, create change, everything stays the same.
The Phases of Change
Think about change in three phases:
Phase 1: Getting started is hard, so in the beginning there is little benefit for the effort required. Therefore, it’s easy to become discouraged.
Phase 2: Resistance is overcome and you get greater benefits for the same effort. This is the exciting phase—you’re making big progress and it feels great.
Phase 3: The last part is critical; it’s more about consolidating the change, making it permanent so you don’t lose the benefits. There’s still fruit to pick, but it’s not low hanging.
You can picture your whole life here: Phase 1 was childhood (you’re making steady progress but can’t do any of the adult stuff); phase 2 is the high school and college years (maximum growth, lots of fun); and phase 3 is adulthood, which you all understand.
The well-lived life is a series of changes; each change represents some challenge overcome, or beneficial habit acquired. Think about the menu writing habit: Phase 1 is the first year; it’s hard to come up with something every week. Phase 2 is the second year; now you have a binder of old menus and it’s easy. Phase 3 involves maintaining the habit in subsequent years, with continuous improvement.
Carcassonne, France
Like most people, we reared our children on a skinny budget. The kids wore hand-me-downs but seemed happy making do with what they had. The blessing of this is today, as adults, they’re all good managers of their money. As the older kids began their college years our finances improved and we were able to afford a few special things, which brings us to Carcassonne, France.
Carcassonne is an ancient walled city in southern France, near Spain. We spent an unforgettable night there a few years ago, en route from Barcelona to Provence. The evening was foggy, and it was eerie to walk the narrow cobblestone alleys; I half expected a knight in armor to come clanking out of the fog. We ate in a tiny restaurant; the mood was romantic, even if we didn’t know exactly what we ordered. As we were eating the door opened to admit a tall man in a long black coat, carrying a well-worn guitar case. I thought of him later as the Basque Johnny Cash. He took out his guitar and began to play traditional Basque songs, singing in a rugged but melodious voice. The memory has stayed with us.
That magical night in Carcassonne came to mind this past weekend. I was acting as docent for the local historical society; the French accent of a visiting woman caused me to inquire where she was from. She named a town in the Pyrenees Mountains, near Carcassonne, and said she was Basque. The lady was older, but had the lean, healthy look of one who has been active and eaten well. I was immediately curious about her food traditions and asked questions. “Are you a good cook?” I boldly enquired. She laughed and told me to ask her daughter, who was standing nearby. I asked. “My mother is a fabulous cook,” the daughter rejoined. “But she never let me have soda drinks growing up.” They turned to each other and laughed. By now I was a fan of the mother so I directed her to this blog, inviting her to share her experience. I hope she writes.
Winning Support
The Basque woman taught her daughter healthy food traditions in a way that developed a close bond between them. We need to talk about how to do this in a more difficult setting: the modern food culture. To start the discussion, here are a few observations:
Avoid power struggles: To improve the diet of the family, the first step is to win their support. Explaining works better than lecturing; inviting is better than demanding. Imposing change without support is stressful for all parties. My beautiful wife, in simple, loving ways I don’t fully understand, was masterful at winning the children’s support. She sidestepped the power struggles you sometimes see between parents and children. At dinner, they weren’t forced to take food they didn’t want, though they were encouraged to try a bite or two of new foods. But if they took food, they had to eat it. Actually, the children’s bigger worry was about being last and getting the small serving.
Share control: You can win support by sharing control. When writing menus, for example, let them add their favorite foods. (Everything doesn’t have to be perfectly healthy.) When you try new recipes, let them vote on whether to add the new food to the regular menu. Last weekend we made mac & cheese using different cheese combinations. It was an experiment and we asked the grandkids to be the judges. They had a great time and actually choose several combinations over Kraft’s version.
Walk the talk: Jenna is one of our readers and she writes the popular lifestyle blog That Wife. Following Healthy Change #38, “Form, or join, a nutrition and cooking club,” Jenna arranged the use of a church kitchen to start the Hyde Park Cooking Club. The purpose of the club: “Share the things we know about cooking from scratch using real ingredients, to create meals that fuel our bodies in a healthy way, and promote change across our communities.” The club goes beyond recipe swapping; it’s a force for nutrition reform. Check out Jenna’s cooking club here.
Have fun: In recent decades people who should have known better looked down upon the domestic arts, including cooking. Cooking was falsely portrayed as drudgery and few had the common sense to object. Food Inc. smelled opportunity and introduced a cornucopia of factory-made processed foods. The fast food giants introduced hyper-processed foods (think of those chicken nuggets). Restaurants responded with overly complicated dishes no sensible cook would bother with at home. There was even a false belief that factories could make food cheaper than we could. This was patently false—we’ve shown that many times in this blog and the N. Y. Times recently agreed with this article.
The wisdom of tradition tells us that home cooking, besides being good for both health and budget, is creative, relaxing, and a blessing to the family.
Please comment: What has worked for you to win the support of your family for good nutrition?
Friday, September 30, 2011 at 11:20AM | by Skip Hellewell | 9 Comments | 1 Reference | Share Article | Email Article
Reader Comments (9)
Great post! As I contemplated the question of how I've won the support of my family, I believe that it's because we have, somewhat unwittingly, followed many of the steps you outline in this post. One critical idea that I firmly believe in is "walking the talk". For me, this means that I never say that I don't like a particular food. By never openly sharing my own food dislikes (and always trying them again), our family has largely avoided the typical food pickiness that most children experience. Because they're open to new and unusual foods it has made changing our lifestyle lots easier.
Other ideas that have been vital for us include sharing control and making it fun. For several years now we've had a loosely organized family cooking club. Once a month we all help prepare a meal of new (to us) recipes that allow us to try new ways of cooking a particular dish as well as enjoying foods from other cultures. We've had German, Greek, Italian, French, Ecuadorian and others that we've really enjoyed. We let the kids help pick the recipes they'd like to try, then they help us shop for the ingredients, prepare the foods, set a fancy table with the good china and special tablecloth, and then we sit down for a long meal of eating and discussing the food that has been prepared. It's fun to discuss what we like about each food, what ingredients might make it more to our liking, and then see if they'd like us to continue making that particular dish.
More recently, my husband and I watched Food, Inc., and decided that it was time for us to shift our food dollars to healthier sources. As we've consciously done this, I've been amazed to realize that our children aren't horribly upset by the change. We explained why soda and other unhealthy foods would no longer receive our food dollars. Once they understood our reasons, it was easy to enlist their support in our new adventure. This past year they've been a incredible part of growing and preserving our garden, taking care of our chickens, and actively seeking out and trying new recipes as we move toward a healthier lifestyle. I think the most fun thing I've experienced so far is seeing the great choices my children are making as they pack their own school lunches (I felt it was important to give them control in that area too). They're taking foods that I would have absolutely refused to eat when I was their age.
I've been totally consistent with homemade/homecooked dinners for 10 child filled years. Sure my kids know outside foods but at home they just expect what I make.
My husband was in Carcassone during 1/3 of his mission (incidentally, he served with your son, Matt). He took me back a few years ago, and our 2 days in La Cite has never left me--particularly the sensational breakfast we had there!!
We made our changes gradually. We switched to baking with spelt first, then incorporated more fruit into our diet. I take the kids with me so they can pick what they like and I know they eat it. Then I decided it was time to move to eating only whole foods. I sat them all down and explained the difference between whole and processed foods. I asked them to give me examples of each. They said pizza is processed, and I explained that pizza can also be made with whole ingredients and can still be good for us. I explained the importance of vegetables. No one complained. I still get some kids who don't want to eat some of the vegetables I serve, but they will learn. I've found that I like certain foods the more I eat them- and the less I eat processed foods!
Oh goodness, I am so flattered to be mentioned! So far I only have a few people indicating they will come to the first night of the cooking club, but I think with time it will grow :). Maybe there is a Chicago reader of your blog who would like to be an instructor sometime?
I love the parenting tips shared above and they've helped me clarify some of the ways I plan to navigate meals and good with our firstborn (now 18 months). One thing I've started working on now is developing a sense of trust with him. If I'm eating something, I share it with him too. This is good for me because I need to watch my sugar intake just like he does! I want him to see that I'm focusing on getting my calories from healthy foods just like I ask him to do. I also think kids sense hypocrisy from a very young age, and it's important for me not ro say "You can't have this, only mommy can" (which only makes it more desirable). Of course the portion sizes we can have of a given food are different, but I'm the adult and so I can monitor and control that. When we sit down year after year, and i have my plate loaded down with vegetables, I think he will see that it's something I do because I enjoy it.
Jenna, don't worry if your numbers are small in the beginning. That's the nature of reform movements—it's a little lonely at first. Refine your program and the numbers will come. Best to you.
Love these ideas! I've been trying to focus on the positive when it comes to a healthy diet. For example, rather than focus on how bad candy or processed food is, focus on how delicious fresh raspberries or good cheese tastes.
I think sometimes I get too intensely focused on eating healthy and fail to see that my actions are causing stress in our family, which is definitely not healthy! Some days I think I'd like to eat only 100% healthy, whole, organic, local, etc, but then realize if I did that I'd be living alone :)
My husband and I have served water with meals from the time we first married. At first it was out of financial necessity but now it is because of habit and preference. Our kids have never had any sugary drinks as a regular part of their meals so they prefer water as well. I think that a lot of their attitude about what we eat and drink comes from the habits that were formed when they were young as well as the examples my husband and I set for them. My kids have always been very supportive of what I serve up at meals. When I was on a kick years ago where I tried making homemade bread and could never get it right they all told me how great my 'rock bread' (as they liked to call it) was. Partly due to the ideas I read here on your blog, I have been putting effort recently into trying to eliminate most processed foods from our diet. I have made my own healthy granola bars for the kids lunches to replace the treat I used to send and they think they are even better than what they used to get. I serve a mixture of grains and dried fruits instead of cereal and they eat it with minimal complaint. To be honest, I'm always amazed by how accepting they are of the changes I make to our family's diet. It gives me motivation to keep making changes until we are eating a whole diet of things that I feel good about.
My baby is only 6 weeks old, but I already have a lot of ideas of how I want to raise her taste buds. I think if you eat a clean diet, one that is full of natural and whole foods, that is what will be normal to them. I hope to not make whole foods intimidating, foreign or gross because they are different than the mainstream Anerican Diet. I do not want to hear the label 'picky eater' nor do I want my daughter to know that if she chooses, she could become a picky eater. I hope to lead by example that food in all its complexity from steamed kale to chocolate cake is delicious and one of the pleasures in life; and that moderation is key!