The quick answer: Everything can be improved, including the family dinner. Measure your food culture against these 10 criteria.
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A Family of Excellence
Did you appreciate your high school teachers? I suppose I mostly didn’t, but I remember several with grateful affection. Mr. Goodrich, our college prep English teacher, turned me on to writing. Mr. Lopes, in sociology, planted the idea that most things in life could—and should—be improved. As kids of the ‘50s we grew up thinking the adults knew what they were doing. Mr. Lopes disabused us of that idea. The world, he seemed to say, wanted for improvement.
The Adams family of colonial Massachusetts was discussed in our sociology text. The patriarch, Henry Adams, came to America in the Puritan migration of the 1630s. The Adams family was doing something special because for generations they produced a stream of public leaders including presidents (2), governors, and judges. I was fascinated by the idea that a family could achieve excellence, and continue to improve for centuries. I still am.
Want to build a family of lasting excellence? I don’t mean your kids have to be governors or president—there are a limited number of those positions; it’s a zero-sum game. But think about the excellence that’s unlimited, that all can achieve. True excellence is about rearing a great family, achieving success in whatever pursuit attract you, and leaving your corner of the world better than you found it. If you—as I do—think your kids are better than you were at their age, and your grandkids overflow with potential, then you’re on track.
Greatness doesn’t come easily and Mom has a lot to do with it, but I know where it starts—around the family dinner table. The quality of the family’s dining experience is as important as the taste of the food.
Family Harmony
I just finished the book Sync: The Emerging Science of Spontaneous Order. The book opened with the phenomena of fireflies that blink in unison. It finished by observing those transforming moments when humans act in unison. Such synchronization is uncommon but has great power. Congregational singing is a simple example. Singing in unison creates harmony in action.
Pondering a bit further I came back to last week’s book, French Kids Eat Everything.. The book noted the well-entrenched culture of dinner—a discipline of behavior and time. No competing snacks were eaten before dinner, and everyone ate, and enjoyed, the cook’s offering. There was a code of conduct that included the duty of conversation. Dinner, in groups large or small, is an island of pleasure amidst the demands of the day.
Finally it dawned on me: Dinner is about more than food—it’s a daily exercise of family harmony. Like all forms of exercise, it strengthens the muscles we use.
Family Dinner
You may think I’m preaching to the choir here. Anyone who reads this blog is likely having ideal family dinners, right? Not so. Looking around, I observe three common problems with family dinners:
- They aren’t happening as often as we imagine.
- The food isn’t all that healthy.
- The dinner experience could be improved.
My old sociology teacher, Mr. Lopes, would be pleased to see a topic with so much room for improvement. I noted above how the work of cooking a meal “gives importance” to the food. The labor of the cook can sanctify the dinner offering, and transform those who partake.
Do you eat alone? In the next post we’ll talk about family dinners for singletons.
The Ideal Family Dinner
Here are ten criteria of an ideal family dinner for your consideration. If you were a hidden observer at any family’s dinner, applying these criteria in the brief time of eating meal would be a fair measure of the family. After your next family dinner, ask the gang to score themselves—A, B, D, D or F—on these 10 criteria. The most common score is your total score. Is there room for improvement?
- Participation: This is the glue that enriches and binds all together. The success of family dinner increases with the proportion of the family engaged in preparation. And what better way to teach nutrition and cooking skills?
- Love at home: the degree of affection and kindness shown between family members is a barometer of family relationships. The beautiful wife had a rule that the table was a safe place—no blows or digs were allowed.
- Conversation: The family culture, even with children, is revealed by the topics discussed.
- Manners: A good metric of self-control. The beautiful wife, when the children were young, used to read a paragraph after dinner from an author remembered as Miss Manners.
- Laughter: The more the better in my view but all in good taste.
- Gratitude: Count compliments, as opposed to complaints, for those who prepare the meal.
- Face time: In the hustle and bustle of life a day can pass without meaningful face time with family members. Most of this happens during the time together at dinner. How long do you spend at dinner?
- Values: learning, etc
- Learning: Family values and traditions are best taught at mealtime. Reach beyond Dad lecturing—participation empowers and endows.
- Healthiness: Look for a meal of whole foods with plenty of vegetables but sparing of meat—you know that was coning, didn't you?
Please Comment: Please share your best family dinner practices and ideas. This is a topic where everyone has expertise so please, lots of comments.
Need a reminder? Download our Healthy Change reminder card. Print and fold, then place in your kitchen or on your bathroom mirror to help you remember the Healthy Change of the week.